Closet Senior

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As soon as I saw them, I knew they were a desperate cry for help.  Andrew had gone on a shoe shopping expedition (a freaking miracle in itself) and returned with a pair of gummy-soled platform orthopedics that basically screamed, “I’ve fallen and I CAN’T GET IT UP!”  It seemed a full-blown intervention was urgently needed, yet I knew I’d have to tread carefully as this was one of the few times he had ever taken the initiative to go shopping on his own.

“Oh – my – God, you bought … shoes!

“Ta-da!  What do you think?”

“Well, I … umm …”

“What?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, sorry to say this but I think they’re kind of … hideous.”

“WHAT?”

“Oh, come on!  Uncle Craig wore the same shoes to his ninetieth!”

“They’re not that bad.  Besides, they’re really comfortable.”

“Well, there’s your first problem.”

“AND they were on sale.”

“OF COURSE THEY WERE ON SALE!”

“Look, I like them.  In fact, I liked them so much, I bought a second pair, for when these bad boys wear out!”

And sure enough, my wily little consumer pulled out another box from the gargantuan bag at his feet.

As I tucked the offending twins at the back of our closet later that evening (waaay back), I realized this was just another in a recent string of two-for-one fashion statements Andrew had adopted of late, all of which had me wondering exactly what old age was going to look like with this man.  Just this month alone I’ve seen (and have shamelessly photographed) the Double-Shirt-Show, his early morning attempt at extra layering for warmth …

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… and the Double-Rainbow-Belt-Debacle, which, as he took his pants off one evening, explained why it had been so hard putting his belt on that morning (the spotlit area was unintentional … no, seriously!) …

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I suppose for now I should just be thankful that if the day ever comes when I have to check him into a senior’s home, at least he’ll be overdressed and ready for it.

Addendum:  Andrew just peered over my shoulder as I was writing this, looked at the picture of his shoes and said, “Are those mine?  Mmm … Nice!”  

21 responses to “Closet Senior

  1. The sad reality is that he couldn’t see his belt loops over his manly muffin top (she said respectfully in light of her own) so he was unaware of the first belt’s residency. Yeah – a definite issue …

  2. I was with him until you got to the double belt thing. Even the double plaid shirts didn’t make me cringe too badly, but two belts? Yeah – that’s an issue….

  3. I completely identify, and so does my wife. At least your husband actually went shopping, I only talk about it…

  4. I’m jealous. What woman would say, “This looks fine. I think I’ll buy several identical ones?” (Unless she’s talking about chocolate. Or margaritas…) But since I’m from Seattle (where a fashion statement is wearing matching socks with your birkenstocks), I’m not too sure I qualify for a sartorial opinion. So I’ll just go on record as admiring your husband’s farsighted approach: just think how much money he’ll save on excess luggage fees if he’s wearing all his clothes at once.

  5. Himself went shopping for shorts, picked up two pairs, tried them, they didn’t fit and was ready to leave. Why is shopping such an ordeal for them? At least your guy is planning his future wardrobe!

  6. Oh my gosh!!! I JUST last month convinced my husband that (manly) sandals were the appropriate footwear for a casual dinner we were going to, and his first response was, “but I don’t have any clean socks!”

  7. Thanks. I needed that. I’m mopping up the tears. My husband says “I don’t get it. That’s not funny,” and I can’t speak I’m laughing so hard. He’s probably gone to find the geriatric sandals he thinks I’ve hidden.

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