Too Dire For Duct Tape

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Have you ever had one of those days?  You’re heading to the gym for the first time since Richard Simmons discovered spandex when you pull a small thread at the top of your pants, inadvertently unraveling the entire elastic waistband (and no, not your midlife-crisis sweat pants but your brand new WOW-these-are-criminally-expensive-but-I-DO-need-to-look-fitnessy-and-if-I-don’t-feed-the-kids-this-month-I-can-probably-afford-them yoga pants).

So you find a safety pin for that quick diaper fix you hope will hold everything in place cuz’ you’re already late for ‘hot flash yoga’, which you’ve so maturely renamed it since questioning your own sanity for enrolling in an intro class at age 50, when you hastily impale your forefinger on the pin, causing you to wonder how such intense, excruciating pain can radiate from such a teeny-tiny body part.  Then as you reach for a Band Aid, you smear blood across the front of your fresh white t-shirt, giving you that unmistakable yoga look that screams “SWEET JESUS, I’M HIT!” before you’ve even struck your first pose.  You frantically rinse the spot under warm water only to find you’ve spread the stain even further, making you feel a bit like a limp hemophiliac anyway and ensuring that any downward-dog you may attempt later will probably, at best, look more like a put-the-poor-doggie-down in the end.

This chain of events only loosely describes the domino effect that has gripped our household since the odorous start to our New Year.  After the toxic mess from a burst sewer stack meandered its way from our second floor bathroom down to the basement, we’ve had countless plumbers, insurance adjusters, contractors, environmental testers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers all traipsing through our house trying to assess the extent of the damage.  It all seemed like a pretty straightforward ceiling and floor repair to us until our plaster samples came back laden with asbestos.

That’s right boys … set up a perimeter; we’re goin’ in.

Like any self-respecting construction estimate, ours just quadrupled.  Sometime over the next week, our house will be taken over by spacemen in hazmat suits (that’s “hazardous material” suits for those who missed ET) who’ll be smashing out walls, ripping up floors, tearing down ceilings and generally making a big, stinking, lung cancer-inducing mess.

On the upside, we’ll be on an exciting family adventure living in a much smaller short-term condo rental!  Even though the kids will be sharing a bedroom, will be miles from their school and distanced from most of their friends for the foreseeable future, I’m sure this experience will make each and every one of us appreciate our home that much more, with tighter quarters bringing us closer together as a family!

If we all don’t kill each other first.

40 responses to “Too Dire For Duct Tape

  1. Oh man, I feel terrible about actually laughing out loud… it just seems so wrong. Thankfully, it sounds like your sense of humor will get you through this magnificently. Besides, if you can endure “hot flash yoga” you can endure anything! Good Luck! 🙂

  2. Nothing like a small place and an unplanned reno to bring a family closer (?) together – good thing you have a sense of humour!

  3. NOTHING is too dire for duct tape – or it’s cousin WD 40. It will be an adventure that will take ECT treatments to eradicate. I say give your kids the room with no door-handle on the inside. Good luck.

  4. I was really trying to picture the whole yoga process, and if I attempted to do yoga, I feel like this is exactly what would happen!…So I dont. I hope your house gets put back together quickly and that your family lives through this process! Ill drink an extra glass of wine for you tonight! 🙂

  5. Oh bugger! We are living in the smallest house ever built at the moment so all I can say is take lots of deep breaths, visit lots of friends with big houses and lock yourself in the bathroom when you want to strangle the kids…or is that just me? 🙂

  6. Some awfully funny lines here! I read them aloud to my mother and I swear even her dog laughed! Loved the yoga bit and the butchers, bakers and candlestick makers! I hope they can put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and your house too!!

  7. Glad you can still find the humor. I think I would just be crying on the floor. The floor I probably shouldn’t be touching at all , let alone prostrating myself upon. Good luck. May the insurance company be kind and the hazmat suits be fashionable.

  8. KBO as Winston Churchill used to say: keep buggering on. So sorry for this horrible situation. Nothing worse than when the plumbing goes wrong. Fall out seems to know no bounds.

    • Our rabbit’s name is Winnie (for Winston Churchill), so I’ll now imagine him saying KBO to me every time he stares me down twitching his nose. Thanks Tish! 🙂

  9. So terrible. If it’s not one thing it’s another. But, I’m sure you’ll all get through it. Plus, maybe the cozy conditions of the condo will turn into a great bonding experience.

  10. Oh Andie, so sorry.That’s sounds like a huge PITA. You sound jovial about it all but there are a million safer ways to spend insurance money. That so sucks. I think there may be a song in that asbestos…

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